The Title of the Blog - Part 6

There probably isn't an internal fight that means more to me than the battle that I describe in this week's column: desire vs. duty. I have accomplished less and enjoyed more because of the call of desire than of anything else in my life.

I don't think I'll ever figure out how to be happy with the balance between these two forces, but I am happy with the way that I wrote about that battle.

Twelve days ago, something screamed at me. That’s not too odd an occasion around the Lambda Chi house, as I have been known to pick rather inopportune times to visit my brothers. But this occasion was rather odd. I sat on a park bench, unable to see the path that lay at my feet because the moon was no where to be found and the nearest light was a mile away at the Turkey Run Inn. The only sounds that reached my ears were made by frogs and running water, dogs and swaying trees. The only things that I could actually see may not even exist anymore, though their light is just now reaching our eyes. Above me lay the heavens, bits of light hung tenuously on the firmament. Crystal spheres hung with stars shining down to me from a million miles away. At the center of the universe that night was me- hearing a voice that owned no mouth.

Late at night, in that moment after my mind goes clear and before sleep visits me, I hear again those voices. They compete, you know. I hear them too as I sit here at my computer terminal, pouring forth another week’s column, laying aside a lesson plant that I have been working on because I have again been able to draw the muse close to me and beg her to work her magic. They both speak to me from within. One telling me that I have something else due tomorrow, that I must remember to buy wire for my chemistry project, be in lab Tuesday afternoon, do my homework, finish this assignment type that letter, call that person…on and on it drones.

SHUT UP!!!!! The other voice takes over for a second, bursting its own tenor through the madness, across the unending litany of chores. But then it lowers its tone, ceases to scream and instead seduces. This voice owns the charm of John Lennon –“all you need is love”- as well as the beautiful body of an open field where I could lie all day long, thinking nothing but the most beautiful thoughts, caring not one iota about what I need to do, what I have to be doing, what I should get done. This is the voice that I ignore more than is healthy for me.

I should embrace these sweet tones, turning my back instead on the call I hate. The sweeter is the one that draws me to my lover’s bed, that convinces me to drive to Clifty Falls and let the water pour down over me. The harsher is the sound that makes me sit at a desk, type out a paper, worry about a test. Nearly all of my actions are begun with a command from one of these voices. Call them Duty and Desire if you will.

Duty intones me to finish this column before giving in to slumber. She can be a harsh mistress, using every weapon upon me – Responsibility, Fear, Shame. Duty punishes if she does not get her way; she meets out failing marks, broken bank accounts, and reproaches from your superiors. But she can be just as hard a lover as well, for when you give into her alone, you ignore Desire…

…who is beautiful. This is the voice that keeps you sane, that turns you attentions away from the daily responsibilities. Hers are the gifts that give you relaxation, love, freedom. Embrace her often, and you will have no cares. Ignore her wonderful touch, and you invite stress, ulcers, heart attacks, and breakdowns. Keep her only as a mistress, though, and you will find yourself outside society’s walls, unable to play their games and live by their rules. You will be behind and perhaps even unable to catch up. Take neither of these women to the full exclusion of the other. If either of them takes full hold of your affections, then she will cause you only problems – one doles out the punishments from within, the other from without. These are the two voices to which I often have to answer.

I fear that some of you have fallen too far into the clutches of Duty. You wander about the campus, head pointed down at your feet, trudging resolutely from lab to lecture to lunch and to lab again. Your evenings are spent catching up on yesterdays readings, finishing up tomorrow’s problem set, perhaps even working a day ahead so that tomorrow night won’t be quite so bad. When some tiny thing goes wrong for you, it often escalates into a major crisis because your schedule leaves you no leeway for mistakes – or for free time. When you do have a moment –an evening – to breather, you often spend it concentrating all of the fun into two hours, drinking yourself into a stupor, and passing out – praying that you wake in time to begin the cycle again.

You are killing yourselves. These are supposed to be the most carefree years of our lives. We have few responsibilities of the scope that many of us will in a few years, and yet we have as much legal freedom as out society offers anyone. And yet you spend this time bitching about your workload, swigging coffee so you can pull another all-nighter to catch up, and working yourself into the hospital.

Here’s a hint folks. It’s something that Desire whispered into my ear half a fortnight ago. Back off. Take time to do what you want to do. Eat a peach. Head outside tonight and watch the sun burn a crimson path into the sky as it leaves to lighten the world to the west. Drive to a par. Pet a dog. Fall in love.

I will admit that I sometimes find myself responding more to the whips and chains of Duty than to the loving caresses of Desire, but I know that I am occasionally able to hold off Duty while I embrace Desire. She is beautiful, you know. I just wish that each of us would take the time to look…