The title of the blog - part 3

As would become a bit of a recurring theme of my column, I was scraping for ideas and decided to take a few cheap shots at a target that couldn't defend itself: the Indianaplis Star, Indy's premier newspaper.

It's a pretty conservative paper, the kind that had (may still have, I dunno) a daily bible verse above the masthead. I'm not all that down with the Christian conservatives, so I made juvenile cracks about their editorial page. As I've learned since then, there are worse editoral pages.

Ah, morning. A bowl of Lucky Charms, my fraternity brothers stumbling about in desperate need of full-length mirrors, and The Indianapolis Star. What more could a man possibly ask for? Outside the Lambda Chi dining room window, the sun is rising, birds are chirping, and sprinklers are wetting down Mud Hollow. Obviously, everything is right with the world. Or so I thought early this morning…

That, though was before I opened up The Indianapolis Star and proceeded to peruse the letters to the editor. I had no idea what sort of black-hearted minions of evil were lurking metaphorically just beyond our front porch steps. That, however, is what I read The Indianapolis Star most every morning.

“Like piglets in a panic that the fat federal sow that they have been suckling on for the past 40 years in going dry, a coalition of liberal special interest groups is descending on 30 cities to protest government reform.” – Jo Cornelison, Richmond

The horror! Can you possibly imagine our government handing out money to anyone why tries to tell them that somewhere a need exists? Why, that would be as absurd to suggest as saying that defense contractors have gotten rich off of a system that basis its usefulness on a balance of terror. I shudder to think. Luckily, though there may yet be some salvation for us.

“Everything needed for the happiness and dignity of all people is contained in Christianity, which I am sure of many religions, which when followed will guide us.” –Dan Logan, Indianapolis

Well, then, as long as I never question my sexual orientation – the opening subject of Mr. Logan’s letter to The Indianapolis Star- and feel enough guilt for my sins, then maybe things will work out after all. But, then again…

“Wherever[Jerry] Garcia went, he was followed by drop-outs and ne’er-do-wells. He caused riots and near riots wherever he went and left jails full and the police departments overworked.” – Gordon Gilmer, City-County Councilman, Indianapolis

At least now we can hope that these social malcontents won’t darken out door preaching their doctrines of peace, love, and harmony. It’s probably all just an insidious plot to let communism get a foothold her, anyway. Luckily, a few readers know how we must be saved.

“My prayer is that the IRS will find out what it’s like to fall into the hands of a mighty God.” – B.J. Ward, Indianapolis

If only this could happen. But our brothers in the Religious Right, this Silent Majority, have their hands tied by a Jeffersonian- and obviously outdated- idea of separation of church and state. We need, however more God in our government and more of both of those in our entertainment. That, perhaps, could protect our children from “the new lewd, crude TV lineup for this fall.” – B.J. Ward, Indianapolis

Now all we have to do is keep our government out of big business as well. In trying to stop teen-age smoking, “the president’s real aim is to kill the cigarette industry through draconian government regulation. And he’s using the kids as a smoke screen…Yes, there have been studies that suggest that kids were influenced by Joe Camel. But those studies were produced by highly biased groups with an anti-smoking agenda.”- Joseph Perkins

Luckily we have the God-fearing, pro-smoking forced already alerted. We wouldn’t was anyone- especially teen-agers- to quit smoking. And these pro-smoking forces are as un-biased as the people who ran studies two score years ago saying that smoking was good for you.

Wow, it was one full morning. Imagine, all of these in one paper, The Indianapolis Star, complete with daily prayer and letters to the editor. I am so thankful for The Indianapolis Star’s morning presence. Without them, my morals would plummet while I didn’t puff away and while I watched a lewd, crude TV show.

“It’s reassuring to know that The Star and The News listens to the average citizens. Keep up the good work.” – Noland Turner, Indianapolis