From Stewart Francis - "I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified."
From Russell Kane - "I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out."
From Adam Hills - "I had no idea about the global financial crisis. Watching it unfold was like watching my father being molested by a clown. I know it was going to affect me, I just wasn't entirely sure how."
From Michael McIntyre - "My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: 'One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhall; five, Johnny Depp.' I thought, I've got the better deal here: 'One, your sister..."
"Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, 'I've come to turn down your bed.' To which I said, 'Well, many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?' "
From Emo Phillips - "Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken. Which is what gave me the courage to do it."
"So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon."
From Miles Jupp - "Trains in Britain can be late for all sorts of reasons: speed restrictions, livestock on the track, or a totally substandard rail infrastructure that's publicly funded, privately run and answerable to no one. All sorts of reasons."
From Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the Londond Marathon and I saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, this should be interesting."
From Gary Delaney - "I've just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it."
(Weirdly, to get the jokes to show up, I have to click the right arrow then back to the left once. After that, they all show up just fine.)
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