March 10, 2009

Bill Simmons is dead to me

I have come to absolutely hate Bill Simmons.

His latest column - if you can call it that - is another installment of his mailbag in which he and his readers try to come up with the most ridiculous sports/entertainment analogies possible...
Q: Too bad you decided not to have break-up sex with the Boston Bruins this year, isn't it? It's like an ex-girlfriend who switched to contacts from glasses, let her hair grow out and discovered aerobics. Now she's the hot girl at the bar.
-- Alex, D.C.
...obsess over stupid reality television...
Do you think if someone told Bruce Jenner in 1976 that he'd spend his golden years trying to steer the misguided children of a lawyer who successfully defended O.J. Simpson from charges of killing his own wife, or that his son would introduce the world to the concept of a "bromance," he would have thrown his discus or javelin off to the side and taken the silver medal in the decathlon?
-- Ben S., Lexington, Mass.
...run the whole concept of metrosexual but still kinda manly thoroughly into the ground...
Do you think the relationship between Rocky and Apollo could be considered the original bromance?
-- Kevin McB, Oakland, N.J.
...tell us about living in Los Angeles...
Let's say you are at LAX and you are about to board your flight, but then you notice one of the cast members from "Lost" on the same plane. Do you still get on that flight?
-- Brian, Richmond, Va.
...rank the stupidest hypothetical pieces of minutia crap ever...
Wouldn't you say the Red Sox not getting A-Rod in 2003 was BY FAR the best non-trade of all time?
-- Adam, Toronto
I find myself skipping more of his mailbag answers than I do reading them, so Bill Simmons is now officially dead to me.

His crappy columns will not be darkening my computer screen again.

6 comments:

calencoriel said...

crap...I better find a different birthday present for you.

G-Rob said...

FINALLY! I think I've been preaching his uselessness for a few years now. I tried to warn you, bro.

joey said...

he jumped the shark after the '04 ALCS

granted, he was still good for some time after that, but, by definition, that was his peak and, therefore, his shark jumping moment

cmorin said...

For me it was last years' NBA Finals. When he was writing about the whole Boston-LA thing it was driving me up the wall.

Also, he rarely writes columns anymore. They are all podcasts. And if he does write a column, its a mailbag. Mailbags are funny but rarely say anything sports related.

I will say this: he does know his NBA. I know NBA Bball doesn't get much love in Cincinnati, but I'm a fan. And he is darn good at evaluating it when he isn't too attached to one team. Too bad this rarely happens.

PHSChemGuy said...

Sorry, Calen.

G-Rob...yeah, you were spot on. It just took me a while to come around to you there.

Joey..."jumped the shark" has jumped the shark. His Boston schtick has gotten old and tired.

CMorin - good lord did he drive the Celtics-Lakers thing into the ground. And I noticed the podcast thing, too. To me, the podcast is lazy. Write something, ya schmuck. Don't just film it.

He may be a great evaluator of talent, but I'm a pretty casual NBA fan - as I watch maybe one full game combined before the conference finals each year. So even that's kind of lost on me.

JGianoli said...

Here's my take- he's doing this podcast thing and it takes away from his written stuff. I will admit, I don't think I've read a single column in over a year. But I listen to his podcasts and I love them! (with one exception: during the NFL season, he does this extra podcast where he guesses the lines on games with cousin sal. Complete waste of 30 minutes.) The podcasts are generally very good to amazing. Granted, he and I are probably the only 30+ year old white males who love the NBA anymore, and I love this banter between he and Yankee fan Johnny...but still. Check the podcasts...good interviews/guests and it's like Simmons from years ago: he manages to be Dennis Miller on MNF, but funny.