A little small talk

Small talk, man.

It's just small talk.

It's not rocket science. It's just a way to pass the time when we see each other in the hallway, when we bump into each other at the library, when we happen to be at the same restaurant at the same time.

The ability to make small talk is a pretty strong middle class skill. It's something that puts everybody at ease, and the lack of it makes you seem creepy. (See the cartoon up top.) If you can't make small talk, you're gonna make other people not want to be around you.

Sure, it's great to have great friends with whom you can share the most intimate details of your life, with whom you can talk through the great problems that you're dealing with. Those people will probably be more important to you in the long run than will all the of the casual acquaintances that you'll have through work in your entire lifetime. But you'll probably spend more time with those casual acquaintances, and you might as well put them at ease while you do.

So, let's get the basics out of the way.

Acceptable topics for small talk with example openers:

• weekend plans
• What do you have planned for this weekend?
• sporting events
• How 'bout those Bengals?
• pointless news/entertainment stories
• What the heck with with Charlie Sheen?
• television shows
• Did you happen to catch The Office last night?
• weather
• Man, we need the rain, but c'mon...
• movies
• Have you heard if Transformers VII is any good?
• your own tiredness
• Dude, I am whupped. I'm totally looking forward to three o'clock.
• family
• What do you have planned with the kids this weekend?

Those are generally pretty safe. You're not going to learn a whole lot about the other person, you're not going to make a deep friendship connection there, but you're going to pass the time. You're going to be acknowledged as a decent enough person. Those are the two goals of making small talk: pass the time and seem like a person who cares about other people. Notice, I didn't say you have to care; you just have to seem like you care.

There are, of course, topics to totally avoid:

• politics
• So, whatta ya think about Obama's health care bill?
• money
• Are you doing okay since your husband lost his job?
• the boss
• Can you believe what we're supposed to do now?
• controversial news
• Do you think we should have invaded Egypt?
• religion
• Are you Catholic?
• death
• How're you taking your mom's death last week? You doing okay?

All of those are going to give you better insight into you small talk partner - if they happen to want to discuss them, but they're far more likely to be way too familiar, way too invasive for what you're looking for.

Of course, there's another side to the whole small talk back and forth. Even if you have the opening questions down pat, you're going to have to practice the other side - the answering and the getting out. You need to provide answers that keep the conversation going but don't really push things to go any deeper. Try to keep everything on a pretty superficial level here.

When asked about the weather, don't come back by saying how the rain could ruin the big plans you have for today. The other person doesn't really care. Just mention that you're frustrated or happy with it and give the other person an opening to say pretty much the same thing.

Good - "I know, it's gorgeous out. Here's to hoping it stays through the weekend."

Bad - "Isn't it awful? I've been planning my son's briss for months, and we're counting on using the backyard for the picnic. If it keeps pouring tomorrow, I'm out a few thousand dollars in tent rentals."

Worse - "Could be worse, my son's in Iraq dealing with the heat and improvised explosive devices."


Horrible - "Yeah, it's nice out, but all I can think of on days like this is how my mom died on a day just like this." (By the way, the love interest in The Town dropped a line just like that. I swear.)

See, the good one keeps things going and leaves the other person something to talk about. The bad one went to money, a topic to avoid. The worse one took thins into a far too serious place. The horrible one took a lighthearted topic and turned it into a conversation ender - death. Death - as a topic or an event - is to be avoided.

You also need to have a few flippant, joking answers and a couple of conversational outs. Outs can be as simple as "Don't I know it. Well, I'm running late for an appointment." or "Yeah, I was wondering about that, myself. Hopefully we're not the only ones." It doesn't matter what it or that is, really. You're not presenting any honest opinion here. It's just small talk. You're just passing the time and trying not to look like some kind of weirdo.

If things start to get a little too serious, like if the other person mentions they're frustration with something at work, give it a light-hearted "Yeah, but there's nothing to do but to keep banging away at it." or "But that's why they pay us the big bucks, right?"

So, how's the weather with you folks?