About once a week, we get an email on our school system saying that somebody has passed away. Some former principal, the wife of a coworker, the third cousin of a former lunch lady at a school that doesn't exist anymore but with whom some people still around may have worked.
For most of these, I just glance to make sure it's not anybody I know - most of whom wouldn't tell the PR folks in the district anyway - and hit delete. For one a couple of weeks ago, however, I was impressed with the sheer volume of things said about the departed, the husband of a woman who apparently works at our alternative school (an entirely computer-based school of last chance for our more challenging youths).
In the honor of this passing, I offer my own, entirely fabricated, thoroughly plagiarized version of his write-up in the Cincinnati Enquirer...
We have learned of the passing of Mr. Lonnie Dusch, husband of Karlen (redacted) (Heritage Elementary, but not the Heritage in the Princeton district).
The Cincinnati Enquirer write-up is shown below:
DUSCH Robert L, husband of Karlen (redacted) who wouldn’t take his last name because it’s Dusch. Owner of LeRoy, Harlan, and Aylah. Son of Robert (Little Bob) Dusch and (redacted) who actually took the name Dusch and then gave it back even though they didn’t get divorced or anything. Brother of Amellia Dusch. Grandson of Robert (Big Bob) Dusch – not Sr because the middle name changed from Frederick to Fred – and Gertie Dusch, Helen Goehe and Lorenz Henry Goehe (pronounced gay which isn’t really much better than Dusch). Also survived by additional family, friends, and brothers and sisters in Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Visitation will be held in room 519 at Princeton High School from 4-8pm on Thursday, November 19, where Lonnie will be arranged as though he were still teaching and you can rest in desks where thousands of his students slept. Nondenominational services will be held at Miami University on the first hole of the disc golf course on Saturday, November 21 at 8am so no one has to miss school but everyone has to get up early and get the day started. Discs will be available to all attendees for after the services.
Lonnie Dusch was anything but the usual teacher.
He loved to blow stuff up but actually tried to make sure his students knew what was happening and why. He commissioned the building of a big spinner wheel, a lazy susan tornado of fire, and other things that he didn’t have the skills to build himself. He really just hated to get his hands dirty.
“He was the best hire I ever made. His mere presence elevated the science department to a place where we could consistently almost meet state minimum competency,” said Rebecca Heckman. “Plus, he could be cuttingly sarcastic and immature, yet people would constantly look to him for guidance and trust his ideas and untitled leadership.”
Mr. Dusch, 44, became ill after leading a spelunking expedition through recently discovered caves below the future site of Princeton High School’s new campus. He contracted man-bird-cavepig-flu which developed into walking pneumonia, sitting pneumonia, lying down pneumonia, and eventually into curling on his side wheezing pneumonia. Mr. Dusch spent 43 days at school since the contraction of his illness, continuing to say that he “didn’t feel too bad” before succumbing to the disease during a staff meeting.
Mr. Dusch met his future bride, Karlen, when both were members of Mrs VanOsdol’s honors English class in seventh grade where she mocked him for his white tube socks pulled up to above his husky calves. Mr. Dusch enjoyed playing Advanced Dungeons and Dragons at the time.
But it was his love of playing around on the internet his sister remembers.
“He was always on,” she said.
He founded a blog on Blogger, she said, and then got involved in posting the most inane observations and banal commentary.
“What people will remember Lonnie by is sarcasm…sarcasm and devastating good looks. The two things people will remember Lonnie by are sarcasm, devastating good looks, and a fanatical devotion to Princeton High School, always willing to go in on a Sunday to grade notebooks after putting them off for a week, attending soccer games and high school musicals so he could post thousands of almost in-focus, marginally framed photos on the school website,” she said.
“He was always wanting to put his touch on things.”
This included editing coworkers’ presentations – whether they asked or not, commenting on blog posts from former students and overseeing the redesign of the Princeton High School website, especially when he had students to do the actual work for him, his favorite method of working.
Mr. Dusch was not the senior chemistry instructor – having been beaten to Princeton by his long-time neighbor, Doug Studer. Before that, he was the chemistry instructor at Mount Healthy High School and at Terre Haute South Vigo High School in Indiana.
His sister, Amellia, saw the teacher potential in her brother when they were children.
“He just talked and talked. He wanted people to do things his way and to always tell them what he knew,” she said. “He was an absolute know-it-all.”
Mr. Dusch is survived by Karlen, his wife of 19 years, dogs Harlan and LeRoy, cat Aylah, and a rosemary bush that he was really proud of.
Visitation is 4-8pm Thursday in room 519 of Princeton High School, 11080 Chester Rd, Cincinnati. The scattering of his ashes is at 8am Saturday at Miami University disc golf course’s first tee.
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