The Rookie

I'm hanging in Houston this morning and feeling nerves.

It's an interesting feeling, honestly, as I'm nervous because I'm going to be teaching this morning, something that I've generally been doing for a decade and a half.

This morning is a little different, however, as I'm going to be teaching my part of an ASM material science camp at the University of Houston Downtown. I'm here as a shadow learning to lead one (or some) of these camps next summer, but at the moment I'm just what's referred to as a shadow, helping the two lead teachers with this year's camp, seeing how to do the ordering, the setting up of all the labs (and there are tons of labs - something like thirteen different lab setups yesterday alone), teaching the workshop, and turning in the expenses at the end of the week.

Yesterday the master teacher who's been doing most of the actual classroom teaching said to me that I was up today in front of the class. She gave me choices of four or five demonstrations but said with no threat or doubt that I was going to be doing that demo in front of the class today. I've been setting up the labs, adding in my comments here and there in the classroom, and helping out with pretty much everything, but I haven't actually been the lead in the classroom just yet in the week's workshop. It's an important step, I totally understand that and appreciate the way in which Caryn presented it to me - no doubt but also no pressure.

And for some reason, I'm nervous.

I've taught for fifteen years. I've lead workshops at national conferences. I've done the demonstration I'm doing today - putting a sheet of copper in a propane torch - a few times in my own Princeton classroom. And yet I'm still nervous.

I'm nervous because I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I don't teach material science. I haven't done every one of these labs in my own classroom - something that most of the master teachers can't say. So I'm feeling a little underqualified with leading these workshops.

I'm nervous because I haven't lead these workshops yet. I'm a year away from doing that on my own - and even then I'll have another master teacher with me and probably another rook like me, too - so this is a new experience.

I'm nervous because the other master teachers are supportive and helpful and nice, and I want them to look at me as being qualified to lead this workshop on my own next year. I know they talk to the folks who are in charge of this ASM material science program, and I want the feedback about me to be positive - because I'm prideful, admittedly - so that those folks - about whom I have some pretty big respect - to hear that good feedback.

And I'm nervous.

I'm not worried. I think things'll go fine. They just haven't gone fine yet, and until they do, I'm nervous.

Which is why I woke up at 5am - forty five minutes before my alarm - this morning and am typing this.