Are you not entertrained?

I've been dying to visit EnterTrainment Junction (home of the world's largest indoor train display) since they opened up a few years ago. I mean it's the (self-proclaimed) world's largest indoor train display, and it's only like six miles from my house (maybe less if I could go overland).

When Groupon dropped in an offer of $15 for two all-features passes a few months ago, I snapped that right up. Sadly, however, the groupon expires in three days, The Girl is locked up with school, I'm leaving for the weekend, and Calen is out of town. So, solo I headed to the Junction yesterday. Might've been wasting a ticket, but at least I got to relieve my curiosity.

Here's what I found...

First off, the train layout is actually pretty cool. It goes through three time periods of railroad development - early (around the Civil War/Old West era), middle (1940's and '50's), and late (vaguely current time). Each has a massive arrangement with the latter two having city scenes and the oldest being entirely wilderness/small town.

(I warn you...lots of pictures coming...)

LonnieBurger Baskets: Trinity Pub

There are three 'Irish' pubs within quick driving distance from The Homestead: The Dingle House, The Brazenhead, and Trinity Pub. Or, as The Girl and I refer to them, West Chester Irish, Mason Irish, and Trailer Park Irish. Of the three, The Brazenhead is by far the most 'Irish', and the other two are at best a suburbaized Irish.

While it may, admittedly, not be very Irish, Trinity Pub (they're right next to a trailer park, and their initials are TP, see?) is a nice place to grab a bite or a drink after school - especially for those of us coming this way anyway, and the food that I've tried has all been pretty solid, so I thought I'd give their burger a try.  Let's see how they did.

Burger

• The Burger didn't of course, come with that big bite out of the top right portion.That was me being a little over-eager...and the blobs are just tomato bits. They look kinda like
  
  I ordered the Trinity Burger with cheddar swapped out for Gorgonzola. That meant I got bacon, cheese, and their steak sauce (some kind of creamy A-1.)
  
  The burger had a good, grilled flavor, like it had been cooked over a charcoal or wood grill. Tasty stuff. Not the nice crust that you can get from a direct, hot griddle, though. Convection versus conduction, doncha know... Good grill marks, good beef flavor. Burger - 7 

Toppings

• Bacon - pretty good...cheese - sufficiently melted but not special...lettuce, tomato, onion - all pretty standard...creamy A-1 sauce - good but pretty much bottle stuff...overall, good by not great Toppings - 6

Fries

• Good fries...nice, hot, tasty. A little pepper on them is a nice touch. Crispy but pretty much straight from bag to fryer to plate. Fries - 6.5 

 images from WestChesterBuzz

Ambiance

• It's not Irish. Let's get that out of the way first thing. This is a British/Irish pub in very little other than a few menu items. I'm okay with that, though, because it's a fun place anyway even at standard American bar. The food is a little upscale (and priced appropriately to that), and there are a fair number of televisions on the wall tuned to ESPN or whatever ballgame happens to be on (NFL draft on the night we visited this time.) As all Ohio bars/restaurants are, it is non-smoking except for the rear porch which faces a nice, wooded area. The inside is rich with deep, dark wood but still pretty airy because of the prevalent windows. On Friday and Saturday nights, though, the place does turn into some kind of old folks (40s-50s) dance club, which is a little sad for anybody who just wants a late-night drink or burger. Ambiance - 7 

Cost

• Burger with fries $10 + Diet Coke $2 = $12 before tip. That's a little dire for a not-too-special-just-solidly-good burger. Cost - 3  

Other stuff

• The waitress pointed out that I could get the same burger as a build-your-own which comes with cheese and one topping (bacon). She saved me a buck. +1
• The waitress came back and said that because of the steak sauce, she had to ring things up as the Trinity Burger which was back to the original $10. Seriously, the pour of sauce was worth a buck? -1 
• Not much else special here. Good beer selection at reasonable prices, but it's nothing that bunch of other bars don't have.

The math...+1-1+3+7+6+6.5+7 = 29.5...middle of the pack for Trailer Park Irish.

• Terry's Turf Club - 45
• Cafe de Wheels - 44
• Senate - 43 
• City View Tavern - 40 (scaled from 32/40)
• Stuffed on Vine - 38
• Five Guys Burgers and Fries - 36 
• Roxy's - 36 
• FlipDaddy's - 35.5
• Sonny's Three Meat Burgers - 35 
• VanZandt - 34
• Gabby's - 34 
• Oakley Pub & Grill - 34 
• Quatman's - 32 / 34.5
• Troy's - 32 
• By Golly's - 32
• Wildflower Cafe - 31.25 (scaled from 26/40) 
• Sidetracks - 31 
• Trinity Pub - 29.5
• Virgil's Cafe - 28 
• Tank's Bar & Grill - 28
• The Pub at Rookwood Mews - 28
• Smashburger - 28
• Habits Cafe - 28
• Graffiti Burger - 27
• Arthur's - 26
• Sammy's - 25 
• Skinny Legs - 25
• Gordo's (Fairfield) - 20

Lonnieburger Baskets: Smashburger

It's been far too long, I know.

I promise you three burger recommendations in the next few weeks, however, as The Girl and I have visits planned. The schedule has been wonky this quarter at UC.

On a stormy Friday evening, we got back on our burger quest and visited the newest contender in the 'burbs: Smashburger.

That picturesque burger certainly would be a solid draw, but it didn't remotely resemble the burgers that were served to either The Girl or me this night.

Burger

• The Smashburger patty is reminiscent of a diner-style, Steak 'n' Shake burger, something that shows the freshness of the grind and the looseness of the patty formation. Check out the pauperedchef for details on the technique. This isn't a burger that's going to be tough, and you can even see in the above photo that the burger has pretty big crevasses in the patty. That's all good for me.
  
  The outside had a nice crust, but the 1/3 pound burger left enough middle to the patty so that the center wasn't overdone at all. It was a solid medium, about how I like my burgers, and with a nice, beefy flavor.
  
  The problem with the burger patty itself, however, was that our hands became slippery and slimy pretty quickly from the grease dripping off of the burger. This clearly is not lean beef. This is like 60% lean or something (I jest, I keyed) because the burger left a coating of grease on our hands and in our mouths. It wasn't a good thing. Burger - 6

Toppings

• As you can see on the Smashburger menu (Ohio version here), they offer six standard burgers plus a make-your-own option. The Girl went for the Buckeye Burger without mayo, and I chose to go with the standard bacon cheeseburger, done a little more cheaply by choosing to order a BBQ, bacon, and cheese without the barbeque sauce. I did get onion straws which aren't standard for the burger tastings, but I think we'll be okay here.
  
  The Girl's burger came dressed. Mine didn't. For some reason, I just sort of assumed that lettuce and tomato were standard. Turns out I should have asked for them. Not a problem; the menu said what was on my burger. I just made an assumption that clearly shouldn't have been made.
  
  The onion straws were, indeed, thin as advertised. They weren't crispy, but that wasn't really expected in spite of the descriptions by the workers that they were both thin and crispy. The important thing was the thinness as The Girl has picked non-thin onion straws off of burgers (I'm talking about you, Habits). The fried onions and jalapenos both probably added to the greasiness of our burgers, but neither fried bit felt overfly greasy.
  
  The bacon was nicely flavorful but not evenly cooked, leaving some parts nicely crisp while others were still fatty and a bit more chewy than I would like on a burger. The lettuce wasn't iceberg (a plus) but did have a small bad spot that had to be picked off of the leaf. The tomato wasn't tasted, sadly. It's not high summer yet anyway; best to steer clear of tomatoes still. The cheese was standard cheddar, decently melted on my burger, a little less melty on The Girl's burger.
  
  All in all, toppings were fine. Toppings - 6

Fries

• Smashburger offers two types of fries: French fries and Smashfries. (They have a theme to their menu: smashfries, smashchicken, smashsalads, smashdogs, smashsides.) The French fries are typical shoestring fries, reminiscent of Steak 'n' Shake but a little thicker. The Smashfries are the same fries but with a little olive oil, garlic, and some sort of green herb (we didn't get much of an herbal taste, so we're guessing parsley.) Both fry sides are a buck cheaper if you order a burger, and the Smashfries are thirty cents more for the flavoring either way.
  
  We got an order of each to try both. The French fries didn't taste fresh are cooled very quickly. They had only the slightest amount of salt and needed more. The Smashfries were warmer but certainly had fewer fries in the basket. Don't know if that's an intentional thing or not, but it was noticeable. If the French fries were a typical serving size, the side was plentiful but not enough for two to share. If our Smashfries were a more typical side, they weren't plentiful but rather passable in volume.
  
  The Smashfries were tasty as the olive oil and garlic lent a nice flavor. These were more heavily and appropriately salted. They were, however, far greasier even leaving a pool of olive oil in that third picture above. Fries - 6

Ambiance

• That second photo isn't actually of the West Chester Smashburger. It's a generic photo from the Smashburger website but does show you how an interior is set up. West Chester has more free-standing tables, but it's pretty much that restaurant shown above with an extra ordering aisle/walkway as you enter. The top photo is of our local Smashburger.
  
  There's a lot of hard surfaces - tile, painted walls, exposed ductwork ceiling - in our Smashburger. This leads to a rather noisy experience. The color scheme of red and white keeps things pretty harsh, too. All in all, Smashburger isn't a relaxing place. It's a place designed to get you in and out with your burgers and to remind you that you're in SMASHburger. This isn't a weak burger joint.
  
  I didn't like the interior. It's not clean and crisp enough to be White Castle-esque, nor is it comforting and neighborly. It's not a sports bar. It's just loud and kind of in your face without being overly so. Ambiance - 5

Cost

• Burger $5.99 + fries $1.99 or $1.69 + drink $1.79 = $9.77 or $9.47..either way, that's a 5 on a 10 scale. By the way the online menu for Ohio lists adult beverages, but our location doesn't seem to have a liquor license, so those options are covered up with Smashburger stickers in West Chester. Cost - 5

 Other Stuff

• There's just not much else to say. The bacon was tasty which would probably get a bonus point, but it wasn't evenly cooked, so that's pretty much negated.
• Apparently they have milkshakes that are handmade, but neither of us tried one, so I can't offer anything there.

In total Smashburger is a respectable but not special burger joint earning 28 points. There's no attempt to be a local, neighborhood joint or to do anything other than serve decent burgers at a decent price.

Our Five Guys is located less than half a mile south of Smashburger, and I don't see any way we'll ever be choosing Smashburger over Five Guys. Five Guys has better fries, better burgers, and a slightly cheaper price.

• Terry's Turf Club - 45
• Cafe de Wheels - 44
• Senate - 43
• Five Guys Burgers and Fries - 36 
• Roxy's - 36
• VanZandt - 34
• Gabby's - 34 
• Oakley Pub & Grill - 34 
• Quatman's - 32 / 34.5
• Troy's - 32 
• Wildflower Cafe - 31.25 (scaled from 26/40) 
• The Pub at Rookwood Mews - 28
• Smashburger - 28
• Habits Cafe - 28
• Graffiti Burger - 27
• Arthur's - 26
• Sammy's - 25

 Next up, visits to Stuffed on Vine and Gordo's.

Kiddie Fun at the Web

The Kroger folks built a giant new store near us a few years back.  In doing that, however, they went ahead and closed an older, smaller store not even a mile from the new store.  From two years, that old store site sat empty - until The Web opened.

The Web is the main location of a group of Laser Tag and miniature golf fun centers, and it replaced the original location of Laser Web on Route 4 in Fairfield.  It's been open since this past summer, and I've driven by it a number of times thinking "hey, I should try that out.  However, it wasn't until The Web showed up on Groupon ($6 for $14 worth of entertainment), that I actually got around to trying out The Web.

The Girl and I showed up at The Web early on a slow Friday evening.  Apparently 4:30 on a Friday isn't a terribly big time at The Web because we were one of only four cars in the near part of the overlarge former Kroger parking lot.  We went directly to the front desk and just opened with asking what we could get for our $14 credit.  The Web's pricing works on three pricing schemes:

• Premium attractions (laser tag and go carts) - $8 for one, $14 for two, $18 for three
• Standard attractions (mini golf and mini bowling) - $4 for one, $7 for two, $9 for three
• Other games (Guitar Hero, skee ball, air hockey, stacker, and more) based on credits & tokens

The way we chose to maximize our $14 was to each play mini-golf (Jurassic Par, I swear) and mini bowling (Hang Ten, seriously). which took care of exactly that $14.  Next time we'll go for go carts and just pay the extra $2.

Up first, Jurassic Par.  Man, that's a horribly punnish name for a miniature golf course - even if it is decorated with fiberglass dinosaurs all over the place.  The course is a nine-hole course in the standard indoor style of largely black carpeted holed dimly lit by fluorescent and black lights.  The holes are bordered by brick pavers (square bricks for the straightaways and wedge-shaped bricks for the curves.  The first hole is marked with a plaque stating the the holes were manufactured by a Wisconson company, and I'm assuming that the whole thing was largely bought as a kit and then somewhat customized to match the kit.

The holes are raised about four inches above the carpeted floor of the building so that they play as raised islands in a sea of carpet with dinosaurs and weird rock-plant-brick areas spaced among them.  Each hole begins with a bright carpeted tee area followed by a much darker - but still mottled - carpeted main area.  here and there are areas that play almost like sand traps and carpeted like the tee boxes.

The tee boxes roll without ridges to the rest of the holes (something that has been a problem at a couple of other indoor courses I've played.)  The first few hole rely on shape of the holes and contours of the carpet to provide the difficulties.  On an outdoor course, this would work well because the contours would show up well in bright light.  With a poorly-lit indoor course, this just means that the ball is doing things that you have no clue it was going to do when you hit it.

See that hole there to the left (it's hole #2 or #3 - I can't remember which)?  The slightly darker area to the right is a slope to the right.  It's certainly not easy to see that unless you squat down and look for it.  Even when you do see the lower area, it's tough to tell just how low it is or how much the ball will break to the right as it goes through that area.  That's kind of a problem and one that is created by the design of the entire course and space.

The latter holes still have this problem but add in a few obstacles that make things tougher but not any more entertaining.  There's a bamboo-roofed house that you have to hit through, a loop-the-loop, a weird metal plate with guides, fiberglass stumps and logs and rocks.  The weird part for some of the middle holes, however, is that they have two holes for which you can aim.  There's no explanation given as to whether one is harder or easier, whether one is worth a bonus, or why the heck they're there in the first place.  It just seems to be a random thing that goes against pretty much everything that golf is.

You can see the wedge paver edging there to the right and see that it wouldn't give a true bounce a lot of the time, something that a lot less troublesome than the two holes, hard to read contours, and even the non-smooth entry to the loop the loop that means it's tough to hit it hard enough to get through the loop without launching it off the entire hole (it took The Girl a half dozen tries to get through the loop, and she was actually trying). 

Overall, I would say that the holes are challenging where they shouldn't be, easy where they aren't supposed to be, and poorly designed for the space.  Instead of making highly efficient use of the space that they have (like Monster Mini-Golf), The Web has instead wasted much of their space with stupid dinosaur decorations and lots of walking-around room between the holes.

Plus, the course is only nine holes long.  Even at $4 a round (fairly cheap for a round of mini-golf around these parts), it's not a good value.

But the dinosaurs are kinda cute.

I don't understand, however, why the toes of the dinos are bent up so drastically.  Was that something that those types of dinos actually had?

Seriously, that seems kinda messed up to me.

Check out the toes while I keep typing how freaked out the toes left us long enough to make sure that this green dino photo isn't lined up with the orange one.

Which it isn't now.

We wrapped up our round of Jurassic Par golf by dropping our golf balls into a sort of plinko game with a third of the pegs missing and from which we could win absolutely no prizes.  Yay!

The Hang Ten bowling was actually a bit more entertaining as we bowled a full ten frames each, taking two lanes next to each other rather than alternating on the same lane.  To some extent we did wait for each other to bowl but didn't have to switch back and forth for every other frame.  The Hang Ten bowling is a miniaturized bowling alley with six shrunken lanes.  Each pair of lanes has five rainbow-colored balls between them.  The balls are lighter and smaller than normal bowling balls - weighing in at around three or four pounds but feeling heavier because they are very dense.  The balls are small enough that The Girl and I could both bowl one-handed very easily but heavy enough that small children would certainly need two hands.

The option to raise bumpers appears when the game is activated via a card sweep, and we chose not to go with the bumpers (tempting though the option was).  The did mean that I did throw a couple of gutter balls as it was a bit tough at first to get the balls rolling straight because they were so light relative to standard bowling balls.  Once I figured out that I was better off bowling from a squat and ending up on one knee rather than trying from a full upright pose - the short balls cradled in my hand ended up with a much higher release point than standard bowling balls that hang down from the fingers - I was much more successful and managed a couple of strikes in a row even, finishing just into the triple digits with my final score (twenty higher than The Girl).

The Web also has a Laser Tag arena with two-story forts, a viewing area, black lights, faux cobwebs, and science fiction decorations. Laser Tag isn't my thing, so we won't be trying that one with our $14.

There's an indoor go-kart track at the back of the space, only one car of which was out and racing while we were there.  The cars look well maintained, almost like new, and the barricades on the course look like they've barely ever been hit.  The karts must be electric (I just checked their webpage, they are electric) because there isn't the faintest whiff of gasoline in the place.  I don't know how many laps you get to run for your $7, but it is nice that the karts have spaces for children to ride beside their parents (for an extra $1).  The course has a decent number of twists and turns, but not much of a straight away to gain speed before needing to slow down into the turn.

We'll be trying to karts next time with our $14 (and an extra $2).  I doubt we'll try any of the ancillary games - air hockey, Guitar Hero, skee ball, or any of the other Chuck E Cheese-style games (stacker, token pusher, and a bunch more).  Except for air hockey, the rest of the games are ticket dispensers which can (a la Chuck E Cheese) be redeemed for various prizes at the shop near the front of the The Web space.

Up near the front of The Web, there's also a pretty nondescript ice cream parlor that serve Aglamesis Brothers ice cream.  Near the middle of the space is a small food court that serves Noble Roman's pizza and some other sandwiches, fries, and simple snack items.  There are also three party rooms for rent near the go-kart track.  These rooms are very plain and clean with seats for sixteen, hand sanitizer, and a side counter (I'm guessing the counter has simple plastic cutlery and plates in the various drawers.)  On the evening that we were at The Web, two of the three rooms already had birthday cakes and presents in place waiting for the guests that started to arrive as we were leaving The Web (sorry, I just love typing The Web).

All in all, The Web is the kind of place that little kids would love.  The attractions are too undersized to be anything that would draw adults looking for anything challenging.  Most of the games aren't for the tiniest of little ones.  But the place would be an absolute heaven for kids in the sort of five to maybe thirteen years old range.  There are five levels of parties depending on the attractions and extras that each party guest gets.  I'm guessing that lots of kids in that middle range would be an absolute blast.

For me, however, I'm pretty sure that we won't be returning to The Web after we use our two Groupons.


Oh, I did get a hole in one on the fourth hole of Jurassic Par, however, so we can officially consider my round a success.

Lonnieburger Baskets: Five Guys Burgers and Fries

It's about time I hit a place that everybody should have available to them.  Well, everybody in the eastern half of the country, anyway.

Here's you chance to see where my tastes fall in comparison to yours.

Mine are, of course, right.

There's a few Five Guys Burgers and Fries around this area, and I hit up the West Chester location.  In addition to being the closest location to my house, it also has the advantage of being the largest Five Guys in the area as they use it for training of many of their newest employees.

Let's hit it...

Burger

• The Five Guys patties are a quarter pound each, and the standard burger comes with two patties.  That's a half pound of pre-cooked weight and is more than pretty much anybody needs at any point.  Thankfully they offer a smaller version with just one patty.
  
  The patties are similar to a Wendy's burger, simply griddled and a little um...moist (I don't want to say greasy, but they are a little that, too).  The burgers are tasty but not much better than a standard fast food burger that you would get at McDonalds or Wendy's.  There's no dark crust, and the patties are flattened on the griddle.  Actually, a Steak and Shake burger would be a better comparison, but the Stake and Shake burgers are allowed to get crispy edges that make a big difference in the patty taste.
  
  They aren't bad patties, but they just aren't far above average for a restaurant like this.  Burger - 6

Toppings

• This is the first area where Five Guys shines.  Their menu lists sixteen toppings that are offered without any upcharge.  I'm a bacon and cheese (they're extra), grilled onion, mustard, ketchup, tomato, pickle, and lettuce.  The Girl - on this day - went for mushroom, bacon, and a few jalapenos.
  
  The bacon is - oddly - deep fried meaning it's nicely crisp and consistently well done.  The rest of the topping are heaped on with gusto.  They aren't skimping on any of the toppings here.  Such gusto, in fact, that the buns can't really hold up to a glutton like me, but we'll get to that in the "other info" section.
  
  I am, as always, annoyed when the cheese isn't melted onto my burger but rather added on after the burger is cooked.  C'mon, folks, how hard would it be to throw the cheese on when you flip the burger?
  
  And, I'd like an option of having banana peppers on my burger.  The jalapenos tend to be all over the place - too hot one day, barely warm the next.  Banana peppers are a much more consistently but not overly source of heat.  Toppings - 8

Fries

• This is where Five Guys really shines.  Their fries come in a regular - enough for two - or a large - enough for three or four to share.  The fries are cut fresh every day and fried in peanut oil then loaded into a paper cup with a huge amount of extras thrown into the bag atop the foil-wrapped burgers.
  
  The fries are outstanding, served hot, simply salted, rough cut with the skin left on, slightly but not overly greasy.  These are what fries should be like everywhere. 
  
  The cajun seasoning option provides a nice bit of spice but is overly salty, as if 'cajun seasoning' meant 'seasoning salt'.  That's an option, however, so I'm not docking them for the cajun saltiness. Fries - 10

Ambiance

• I'll admit right off the bat that I hate the whole peanut-shells-on-the-floor thing.  Drives me bonkers.  Thankfully, the West Chester location is typically pretty clear of the shells even though they do offer the standard Five Guys bin of peanuts with paper boats for scooping.  This does seem a reasonable - and fairly cheap, I would imagine - stopgap tactic to let you kill the time while they make your burger and fries fresh - something I do appreciate on balance.
  
  I've been to a number of Five Guys locations now, and I'm okay with the white and red tile walls, the numerous hanging signs singing the praises of Five Guys, the simple - and always slightly slippery - tile floors.  The restaurants are - by design - simple, empty boxes with no permanent fixtures other than the front door and the ordering counter.  The tables can be slid around anywhere.  The lines to the counter are formed by pallets of peanuts, potatoes, and peanut oil - all supplies that are, I'm thinking, used in the course of a regular work week.  Because of this, the stores are entirely modular but end up all looking relatively the same. 
  
  It's not a bad thing.  It's just a plain thing. Ambiance - 5

Cost

• My bacon cheeseburger with all the toppings was $5.89.  I could've gotten by with a 'little bacon cheeseburger' which would've been $4.49.  A regular order of fries costs $2.79, so I'll take half of that as my own - $1.40 (rounded up).  A Diet Coke sets ya back $1.89.  Those refills are, of course, free. 
  
  That's a grand total of $9.18.  Not much below the average price I'm looking for.  For a fast food joint with no wait staff, that's kind of a bummer to me.  Cost - 6

Other stuff

• The Girl loves carbonated water, and the Five Guys soda fountains offer that as an option.  +1
• The cheese isn't melted.  Seriously, if you've read all of these reviews, you're probably starting to realize just how much this bugs me. -1 
• They're amazingly generous with fries and toppings.  That's worth an extra couple of points. +2 
• The buns, however, can't possibly hold up to those toppings.  Mine fell apart and left me - as it always does at Five Guys - trying to hold the escaping bits between my fingers and not between the buns.  Arrgh.  It's easy enough to grill the buns a little so that they have some hope of standing up to the copious amounts of toppings. -1

Let's see where all that gets us...36 points for Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

• Terry's Turf Club - 45
• Cafe de Wheels - 44
• Five Guys Burgers and Fries - 36
• VanZandt - 34
• Quatman's - 32 / 34.5
• Graffiti Burger - 27
• Sammy's - 26
• Arthur's - 26

Since I'm guessing most of you have been to a Five Guys somewhere, I'm curious as to what you think of their rankings and my review of them.

Next up, Gabby's in Wyoming.  Good burger, decent fries.  More details to come on Monday.